[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
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ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry