In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions