[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
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It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I’M CRYINGGG
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.