every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart