I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
can’t talk my ride’s here
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’ve had relationships like this
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?