If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
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I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
The most important meal of the day is the next one
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand