Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
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Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
He-man has a Masters degree
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.