my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…