Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.