I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
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Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*