[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
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one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.