“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
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The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win