I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
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*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”