It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
#milo
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder