Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
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Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.