Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts