ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
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How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”