Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
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My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me, reading some of your tweets
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
The news
can you read it!!??
maan!
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals