Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
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Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….