Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
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God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Who.
Did.
This?