horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
You Might Also Like
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”