Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
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100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
That de-escalated quickly
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.