6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
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“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
My dating profile:
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?