It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.