Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
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It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.