Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
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Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*