I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
fourth time’s the charm
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.