[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on