“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
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Not😆🤣
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*