Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
You Might Also Like
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Some people were born into their job.
Body by cheese-puffs.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what