*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
You Might Also Like
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL