Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I gave up going to work for lent.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.