[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
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“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?