Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
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Wake me when AI does housework
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.