I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him