I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
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If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
mariah carrie
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I think this should do it.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine