“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
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There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
HR said no more nunchucks.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.