When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.