Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
what kind of cook setting is this??
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY