[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’m Sold!
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.