shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell