My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
You Might Also Like
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.