[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
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CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.