Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
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Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure