i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
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just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?