I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
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What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”