Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’