Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
You Might Also Like
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee