what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty