One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.